For the most part, tonight was a lovely evening. We had made plans to see Deadpool after work so in the interest of time, we met up at the theater. The movie was good and we had an enjoyable time.
As we were headed back into the neighborhood, both of us waiting at the red light in the single left turn lane, I noticed a county sheriff's car in the lane to our right. For me, even if I know I've done nothing wrong, seeing law enforcement makes me anxious. As much as it annoys, angers, and humiliates me, that is the truth. The light turned green and as soon as my boyfriend started to turn, the sheriff to my right turned out the red and blue lights and turned in front of me (from a non turning lane, mind you) and proceeded to pull my boyfriend over.
Immediately, I panicked. What am I supposed to do? Do I keep driving and get out of the way? Do I stay and act as a witness? Would staying to watch out for him cause trouble for myself unnecessarily? Trouble for him? What could he possibly have been pulled over for? What is happening? Is he going to be okay?
In the span of about three seconds, I ran through a billion thoughts but continued on. I noted the time, circled the block and then pulled into his driveway and waited. How long does a traffic stop normally take? I told myself I'd wait ten minutes from the time I noted before I'd get concerned. I thought about casually circling back to the point where he was pulled over just to make sure things were okay, to make sure he wasn't being roughed up, to see that he wasn't being treated unfairly, to see that he was still in good health and not in need of a eye witness or medical help. Fortunately, it didn't come to that point as he soon joined me in his driveway and we walked into the house. It was then that I realized that he doesn't have the same fear as I do, he doesn't have to worry about the same things that I do, he doesn't have the same experiences and reactions that I do. It was that moment that I realized that I didn't have to be worried or terrified for his sake because I forgot about one some thing that makes the whole situation a different, inconsequential event; my boyfriend is white.
More than anything, I am so disturbed that my initial reaction to this event was one of terror and defensiveness. Based on how things have been America lately, its understandable but I didn't realize that I had been so deeply affected until tonight. Because all he has to deal with is an expired registration ticket and a fine rather than becoming a news story turned hash tag, I am so grateful that my boyfriend is white.
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