Let's Be Real #10

I've seen the news multiple times today and the reports about President Obama being in California bother me. They didn't bother me because of any negative feelings toward him, I was bothered because ABC chose to spend so much time interviewing people and discussing the fact that his visit would affect traffic. Come on, its Los Angeles people! I had to wait for the next time they covered the story to hear why he was actually here. Let's be real; if even the news can't adequately report the news, our society is in super huge trouble.

You can't wait? YOU get married!

As most of you know, I've been with The Boy for quite a while now. Somewhere close to two years I'd say. Because of that (and maybe my age), people keep asking me "When are you going to get married?" as if they expect me to say "Three weeks from Saturday. YAY!" Honestly, I find this question absolutely annoying for a few reasons. Have you ever asked someone when he/she would be getting married? When asking that question, did you ever think about the idea that maybe said couple is enjoying the current phase of the relationship? With the divorce rate at 50% and climbing, I would say that it is super important to know as much about what I'd be getting into and who I'd be getting into it with. I plan to get married once and stay that way until death do us part, not just until I get tired of picking up his socks in random places around the house. Right now, we have a plan to enjoy our relationship as it is. We'll live in the same time zone for a while and continue to enjoy our relationship as we learn more about each other and decide if marriage is the best decision for us. Doesn't that plan make more sense than getting married just because everyone else feels the time is right?

I know, asking about a potential engagement is usually asked with a positive and hopeful intention. Thinking about an upcoming wedding usually gets the excitement and anticipation flowing, especially in someone who actually hopes to get married someday. As much as we all get tired of grandma reminding us that she was married by this age and try to deflect by stating that it was a different time, a little bit of that pestering sticks. When the mailbox holds yet another wedding invitation which serves as a decorative reminder that you're still legally single, it can inspire thoughts of weddings and marriage. Those thoughts aren't necessarily bad. Having thoughts and wondering "Why haven't I gotten married yet?" or going further and asking "When is it going to be MY turn?" can change a girl's mindset for the worse. A girl who was previously content with being a girlfriend to an awesome boyfriend is now over thinking EVERYTHING pertaining to the relationship. 

Like I said, we have a plan. How many times have YOU made plans only for someone (or multiple someones) to volunteer their opinion that kinda swayed your thoughts on your original plan? Even if it doesn't happen a ton of the time, if it happens to be a thought on an important issue or event in your life, an outside perspective can be a big influence. With that said, just because we've been together about two years doesn't mean that we have to get engaged and get married right away. Our relationship is not a batch of cookies that needs to come out of the oven when a certain amount of time has been reached. Its really not fair of other people to try to plant seeds in my head or ask a ton of questions just because things aren't happening on their schedule. You can't wait? YOU get married!

The biggest reason why this whole thing bothers me is this; the impatient questions and comments can build expectation. When those expectations aren't met or are not met as soon as I'd like, it breeds resentment. I wont be upset because The Boy ate the last of my Cinnamon Toast Crunch (Ha! Like he'd ever eat that.) or because he watches the television too loud. At that point, I'd be getting upset with him because he hasn't lived up to the timeline from someone else that infiltrated my mind and made me feel like something is wrong because he hasn't proposed yet. The worst part about it is that the poor guy wouldn't even understand why such anger and resentment exists and where it came from. Its not fair to him. Its not fair to me. Its not fair to us. 

I want a marriage not just a wedding. Is that what you're so anxious for? I'm pretty sure most people are interested in coming to the ceremony/party and don't really care about the day to day happenings within the resulting marriage. Anyone can have a fancy wedding (I plan to have one of those too, don't worry) but I'd rather put more focus and emphasis on having a happy, healthy, functional, blessed marriage. Good things take time. I plan to put in the time to make my wonderful marriage work. Before that, I'd like to put in the time to ensure that my amazing relationship can progress towards being that wonderful marriage that we both want and deserve. So, next time you get the urge to ask me or any other dating but not yet married person "When are you getting married?" keep in mind that there are real people with real feelings within the relationship which is so much more important than the wedding. Just wait for the invitation.